Building a Healthy Support System: Quoting T.D. Jakes on Friendship

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin

I don't agree with all of Rev. T.D. Jakes' interpretations about male/female relationships, but I do agree with this simple, partial breakdown of the different types of friends. This is good information to have before mistaking the attention of a comrade or constituent for that of a confidant.

1.  CONFIDANTS – You have very few of them – these are people who welcome you unconditionally. They are into you whether you are up or down, right or wrong, they are in it for the long haul. You can share anything with them. Having a good confidant is one of the keys that unlock the Kingdom.

These are people who you can share your deepest and darkest inner thoughts with, who won’t judge you but will feed you instead of draining you.

Have you ever had relationships where the person was emotionally immature and consistently draining you? It’s okay to help others but you must have someone who feeds you so you can feed someone else. They will confront you; they’ll get in your business and get in your face and tell you when you are wrong BUT will also come back and be by your side no matter what. They will never leave.

2.  CONSTITUENTS - They are not into you but are into what you are FOR. They are for what you are for. As long as you are for what they are for they will be with you but never think they are for you. If they meet someone else that will meet their agenda they will hook up with them and leave you. Don’t mistake a constituent for a confidant. By the time you fall in love or are connected with them in a relationship, they will hook up with someone else and break your heart, leaving you wondering, “I thought our relationship was deeper than that.”

3.  COMRADES - These are not for you nor are they for what you are for. They are just against what you are against. They are strange bedfellows. They are the enemy of your enemy who will team up with you to help you fight a greater enemy. They will only be with you until the victory is accomplished.

They are like scaffolding that is there until the building is built but is later removed because the building is built. Don’t be upset when they leave. They were not supposed to be there anyway. Don’t tell your dream to your constituents they will try to fulfill the dream without you. Don’t tell your dream to your comrades because they will not support you because they are not for you in the first place.

You won't see this often, but I guess I'm on a bit of a T.D. Jakes binge when it comes to friendship. LOL He really does have some insightful information on the subject, though. Look at these six qualities of a good friendship. Like the three types of friendships, I'd add a few things to this list of qualities, but it's still a good start. Leave a comment to let me know what you think.

Genuineness. Friends “like” each other. There should be nothing fake about friendship. These healthy relationships are rooted in love, the bonds of which are trustworthy. It is never about what either party stands to gain, but all about just having that person in our lives. Friends are dependable and protective of each other’s interests.

Non judgmental: Friends love you just as you are! Always supportive, a friend’s business is not to criticize you, tell you what to do and how to do it, instead friends believe in each other, and have no hidden agendas. You should be able to throw all caution to the winds and just enjoy being around your friends. Interestingly, the Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that “the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to lead a joyful life“. The researchers concluded, that “not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight“.

Loyalty. Friends will always have your back! Loyalty solidifies such relationships. Rarely is there back-biting, gossiping, and spitefulness; true friends never gloat over your mistakes or snicker when you fall. What makes friends so priceless is that they stand by each other and are always the first to lend a supporting hand. The last thing a friend of character would do is throw the other under the bus. Good friends are always in each other’s corner … and this comes naturally. If loyalty between you seems forced and does not come naturally, this might be a cue to rethink who this person is to you … your relationship just might fall in the category of a “mutually beneficial arrangement”.

Mutual respect. You are precious just as you are! It’s all about respecting and appreciating all the differences in character, personality, career paths, etc … and never wishing the other person was different. Most importantly, “changing” or “fixing” the other should never be on the agenda. A friend respects your thoughts even when they do not agree; and never thinks he/she is superior.

Open communication. Talk to me about anything! Unless it’s superficial, friends are not afraid to discuss deep-seated feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities, dreams and fears — knowing there’s trust and love. Friends know how to listen and not make it all about “me”. You can afford to let your guard down around friends and simply be yourself.

Forgive and forget. I still love you … regardless! Things are not always perfect. Yes, there will be misunderstandings and arguments, but friends don’t let these stand in the way. Friends sometimes make mistakes and even when they let us down, we are still able to forgive and wipe the slate clean …  knowing that the intention was not really to cause pain. Hardly is there tension, mistrust, resentment between good friends.

Welcome!

Welcome to "Qi Fulfillment." The closest we come to the meaning of qi is life force or energy. I believe each of us strives for fulfillment, and the only way to find it is to feed our souls and make the most of our gifts and strengths. As women, we have unique challenges simply because we are female in a male dominated world. Our relative value is constantly challenged to the point that we begin to believe our physical appearance, no matter how beautiful, is never good enough, always wasting our exceptional mental energy on trivialities instead of embracing the life journey we've been given.

Everyone is born for a reason, and many of us spend our lives searching for that reason or purpose. Our ability or inability to accept who we are and take responsibility for our own becoming determines how we live, how we raise our children, and whether we fulfill God's purpose for our lives. We may not be able to articulate it as children, but the moment we start to observe the world around us, we wonder "What about me? How do I make my mark here? Well, that's the main subject of this blog.

I'm Dawn, and I'm a life coach/educational consultant. I spent years working long hours, making just enough money to keep up (sometimes), getting married and divorced, going to school, even completing all but my dissertation in a Ph.D. program, wearing the many hats we wear, always pursuing a better, happier life. Like many are taught, I was working for the future. You know the old saying, "work now, play later." I thought I'd have time later to do all the fun things I was putting off.

In June, 2005, my life changed, and any illusions I had about living for the future crashed and burned. I was diagnosed with kidney failure and started home-dialysis approximately two weeks later. As soon as I got off the phone with my doctor, I called my mother. She said, "Well, we're not going to cry about it." I still remember my response to her when she gave me the traditional diva-queen calmness -  "Well I am crying 'cause it's happening to me!"

I can laugh about it now, but the grieving process started then and nearly overtook my life for a long time. In that instant, I realized that I couldn't depend on the future I'd always dreamed about. No matter how hard I worked, my life would not be the picture-perfect existence I'd foreseen. Many things I'd planned to do when I no longer had to work so hard were no longer viable options or expectations, so in a sense, I was grieving over the loss of the life I'd planned.

What I've learned since my journey took such a sharp turn is that it's still my journey, but God's plan. Often, we don't have control over what is thrown into our lives, good or bad, but how we handle it is what makes us unique - what we do with whatever we've been given. So, how will you make your mark here? How will you be remembered?

As a life coach and educator, my focus is to make my life and the life of everyone around me the best it can be - to make the most of what we've been given, and to live life as fully as possible. Growing up, I always heard older people say "just makes my soul glad!" Now, I understand what they were talking about. We strive for certain things, mostly inanimate, to make our souls glad, but reveling in our unique journey offers the happy, fulfilling life.

I hope you'll join me on this journey that actually begins before conception. Nurtured by proper love, spiritual guidance, education, character development, and acceptance, we thrive. My goal is to help others achieve these qualities en masse, from pre-conception onward and upward. How will you fulfill God's plan for your life?